Let's get Kinc-y

by Kenn Wolking

Author's Note All right, all you Mike's Tykes, it's time to let the Kinc-y Boys play.

The episode opens late on a Friday night, with Briscoe
and Curtis in an office, examining the scene of a brutal crime.
A woman sits dead at her desk, her head stuffed into the shattered
remnants of a computer monitor.  The bloody pieces of a smashed
keyboard are scattered about the desk.

Curtis: "I've heard of head crashes before, but this is a total loss."
Briscoe: "Yeah, some people get into their work more than others."

A yellow Post-it note stuck to the top of the monitor says "call me
when you get off work."  All else is apparently undisturbed, and the 
CSU goes to work.

After a brief discussion with the beat cops, the emergency contact 
number is found and the tall, dark and handsome data center manager
is summoned. A short while later, the short, blonde and nerdy-looking
data center manager arrives:

Kenn: "This is awful!  What happened?"
Briscoe: "Please, sir, we'll ask the questions.  Who is this?"
Kenn: "She's (stammers) ... WAS Valerie Washington, one of our data
entry clerks."
Curtis: "When was the last time you saw her?"
Kenn: "Tonight, when I left work.  She was putting in some O/T for me,
typing up the latest revisions to our procedures manual."
Briscoe: "What time was that?"
Kenn: "I looked at the clock when I said goodnight.  It was 5:21, 
exactly. She said she would stay until about 7, but she had to get home.
She was going out to dinner with her husband."
Curtis: "Was anyone else here?"
Kenn: "No, she was the last one here.  It's Friday, you know, everyone
clears out pretty fast.  I made sure I locked the office doors when I 
left, because I knew she was here alone."
Briscoe: "Was there anything unusual outside when you left?"
Kenn: "Well, this is in a bank building, so there was somebody using the
ATM when I walked out, but her car and mine were the only other ones in
the parking lot."
Curtis: "Did she have any enemies, any problems with her husband, things
like that?"
Kenn: "No, not that I know of.  She was pretty quiet, just did her job.
She was good, too.  It's gonna be hard to find someone to replace her.
Hell, it's gonna be hard to find anyone, after something like this!"
Briscoe: "Alright, sir.  We can reach at the same number if we have any
more questions?"
Kenn: "Certainly, officer.  I hope you catch the SOB that did this before
I do!"

{ed.note}{Fast forward through the opening credits, first commercial 
break, etc.}  

Curtis, using his combined skills as cop and hacker (hopper?, cracker? 
[insert load groan from audience here]) has resurrected the computer and 
found that she was writing a letter to Kenn's boss, complaining of sexual 
harassment.  Kenn's fingerprints alone are found on the note.

{ed.note} {Heck, skip right to the "Order" segment, that's where this fantasy
really begins . . .}

Scene:  Ben's office {ed. non sequitir, I know, but this is MY FANTASY, my
Kenn is seated next to his attorney, who looks like Robert Kardashian.  
Kenn looks like he knows he is in trouble (who wouldn't, with RK for a 
defense attorney?)
Ben is seated behind his desk, glowering over his pince-nez.
Claire is seated fetchingly on the corner of the desk.

{ed.note}{OK, so now you know where this fantasy is going.  I'd better make
it good from here.}

Ben:  "Sir, you don't have a defense.  Your alibi of being at home watching
tapes of Law and Order while rubbing your dog's belly {ed.note}{just for Maris}
is entirely unsubstantiated. All the evidence at the crime scene is linked to 
you.  If you don't talk to me now, you're looking at 25 years to life!"
RK-lookalike:  "He was framed!  The officers rewrote the note on his notepad
just to get his prints on it. Not only that, Detective Curtis was really smug
when told that my client knew about computers."
Kenn (whispering in his ear):  "I'll give you a million dollars to shut your 
face and call Johnny Cockroach!"
Claire (leaning down, revealing the best qualities of a double-breasted suit):
"If you just tell us what happened, there may be mitigating circumstances.
We can't make any deal without you giving us a reason to."
Kenn:  "OK, I'll talk to you.  But ONLY you."
RK-obstruction-of-justice-alike:  "I advise you against speaking to the DA
without legal counsel."
Kenn:  "Unlike the past 5 minutes?  Get lost, and take my luggage with you,
while you're at it!"

The others leave the room, just as NYC suffers a blackout. It is dark inside
and out now, and the room gets close and warm without the air conditioning.
Kenn hears the rustle of polyester and the squeak of leather as Claire unseen
moves to the chair next to him.  As his eyes grow accustomed to the dim light,
he can see the pale outline of her face, just as she reaches out and touches 
his hand.

Claire:  "I must warn you, you have been advised of your rights and have chosen
to refuse counsel. I am an officer of the court, anything you say to me can be
held against you.  If you want to wait until the lights come back, that might be
for the best."
Kenn: "I'm not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid of what you are trying to do
to me. I am innocent! I explained to the detectives that I knew that my boss 
was sending e-mail to Valerie.  I told 	them I could read the e-mail because I
have absolute access to the system as its administrator. The detective with the
bad haircut immediately asked me if that meant I could write e-mail too, pretending
to be someone else.  I said of course it's possible, and that's the last question
any detective asked me about how I knew my boss was responsible for the harassment.
He knows I'm gunning for his job, and trying to get rid of me.  He's setting me up!"
Claire:  "Haven't you told this to your attorney?"
Kenn: "Over and over again!  He just keeps asking me what size glove I wear. He's 
an idiot, not a defense attorney."
Claire:	"Why are you telling me?  I'm prosecuting you, it's not my job to defend you."
Kenn:	"Because you are the only woman here.  You know how sexual harassment feels.
If you would just read the e-mail, you would know what type of jerk would send it, 
and you would know it wasn't me!"

Just then, the lights come back on. Claire jerks her hand back: Kenn realizes that
she has been holding his throughout the conversation.  She glances nervously over her
shoulder at the door, then says softly Claire:	"I believe you.  My boss would get rid
of me too, if he knew what I was going to do."

Ben bursts through the door.

Ben: "Are you alright?  What happened?"
Claire:	"Everything's fine.  Nothing happened.  If you're that worried about what 
goes on in the dark, maybe I'll get you a nightlight for Christmas!"
Ben: "I'm not amused, Claire.  Sir, are you ready to enter a plea or not?"
Kenn: "Absolutely not guilty, SIR!"
Ben: "I'll see you in court!"

Kenn rises to leave the room.  Claire walks past the desk, between him and Ben,
raising her eyebrows in a knowing way.
As he exits the office, the door hits the attorney-at-golf-course in the face
as he tries to follow. 
Claire:	"Ben, this is an open and shut case.  I'll handle it myself, so you can
work on that football player case."
Ben: "Fine, but make sure you nail him."
Claire:	"Don't worry, I will, all the way."

Ben catches the faint smirk on her face as she turns to walk out the door.
He pushes the pince-nez back up his nose and shakes his head, causing them to 
slip down again.

Scene:	Van Buren's office, with Lennie, Rey and Claire.  Van Buren is staring
impatiently at Curtis, who is pounding furiously away at his laptop, mumbling
something like "it's 96 already, not 1895.  Eunuchs have more balls than this!"

Van Buren: "Lennie, smack him, will you?"  Lennies obliges, wincing as Rey's
Jimmy Johnson hairspray bruises his hand.
Lennie:	"C'mon, Rey, use the stuff between your ears instead of your legs.
Tell us again how you figured out who sent the e-mail. And don't say any more
about PCP, this isn't the DEA!"
Rey: "It's TCP/IP (OUCH! [Lenny winces again]). All the messages to her came
from Kenn's login."
Claire:	"So you just printed out all these messages on her computer from Mr. Kong?"
Rey:	"No, they weren't on her computer, they were on the server!"
Claire:	"Oh, great.  And just when did you get a search warrant for the 'server'?"
Rey:	"It was a crime scene!  That computer was on the network, I didn't touch
anything else."
Van Buren: "And I can pick up the phone and call you at home, that doesn't mean I
can search it."
Claire:	"The bad search isn't half the problem.  You haven't proven that he wrote
it. Anybody could have used his login, right?"
Rey: "No, not unless they knew his password or had superuser privileges!"
Claire: "So who knew that?  All the defense has to do is point the finger at one
other person and I've got no case."
Lennie:	"C'mon Rey, it looks like I have to teach you how to do some legwork."
Van Buren: "And while you're at it, give me the laptop. My kid's got homework
to do, and he knows how to use one."

Scene:  Some bar in the middle of the East River.  Claire is sitting at the bar
next to Kenn, while some fat old drunk who calls himself "Flea Belly" mumbles
something about carrying his socks in the marina.

Claire:	"There's no way that the sexual harassment issue will make it into the
courtroom, so we don't have to worry about motive. But there's still the note, 
and you have no alibi. I can't drop the case until we can disprove that."
Kenn: "Of course I left the note.  I always do!  My penny-pinching boss won't 
pay for a minute past five unless I sign the timecard. I make sure everyone who
works overtime gets someone else to vouch for the time they leave. When I let 
someone like Valerie work alone, I remind them to call me when they get off so
that I can vouch for them."
He nudges the drunk next to him: "Flea, why didn't you tell them about the 
overtime policy?"
Flea: "Because you told me the dog doesn't howl when the phone rings.  
Without a howling dog, how am I supposed to prove anything about time?"
He falls back into a stupor, mumbling something about losing his slice of Swiss
cheese from Columbia.
Claire: "Well, if I can get Lennie off of disability for injuring his shooting
hand, and keep Rey from picking up coeds on the Internet, I can fix the note problem.
But you still don't have an alibi!"
Kenn: "I think we should conduct an investigation of the alleged belly-rubbing
at my apartment.  Don't you?"
Claire:	"You don't have to pat my head."

Scene:  Kenn's apartment.  Claire is sitting on the couch next to him, rubbing the 
dog's belly.

{Author's note:  This isn't fantasy.  My dog Winter is irresistible.  When the new
Van Halen/David Lee Roth song came on the radio, I turned it ALL THE WAY UP (with a
250 watt power amp and speakers that can take it!) I taped it, and continued to 
replay it, ALL THE WAY UP!  My neighbors quite understandably called the police.
The kind officer who responded spent at least five minutes sitting on my couch 
rubbing Winter's belly while explaining that although he couldn't charge me with 
anything because the noise ordinance doesn't kick in until 10 pm, he still had to
respond to every complaint, and would I please knock it off.}

{Author's note to self: yes, this is a fantasy!  Now where were we?}

Claire:	"Just because she likes to have her belly rubbed doesn't make an alibi."
Kenn: "Wanna bet?  Stop rubbing."
Claire stops, and a white fluffy ball explodes in her face, licking furiously to
demand immediate resumption of belly-rubbing.
Claire resumes belly-rubbing, in self-defense.
Kenn: "And that's not the half of it.  Watch this.  WINTER, COME!"
A white fluffy ball explodes in his face, impatiently waiting to see what her
master deems so important as to interrupt a belly-rub.
Kenn commences rubbing her belly; a low moan begins, rising rapidly to high 
pitched singing.
Kenn: "You see, you have to know exactly how to please!"
Claire:	"You've convinced a dog.  You'll have to convince me before I can 
convince a jury."
Kenn: "As ye ask, so shall ye receive.  WINTER, BED!"
A white fluffy ball explodes in his face, imploring him to not interrupt a
belly-rub.  Kenn snaps his fingers, makes an odd gesture, and Winter disappears
dejectedly towards the bedroom.
Claire:	"You're so cruel, pushing an animal around like that!"
Kenn:	"No, I'm not.  I always reward her for obeying commands.  I'll let you
earn some serious brownie points with her by giving her a treat for being such
a good dog."
Claire follows to the bedroom, gives Winter her treat, and winces noticeably as
Kenn closes and locks the crate.

Kenn sits on the bed and pulls her onto his lap and begins to rub her belly.
Kenn: "Now doesn't that feel good?"  "Mm-hmm . . ." 
His hands move farther afield.  "Warmer?"  "Mm-hmm . . ."
And farther.  "Warmer?"  "Too warm for a suit."   She rises and removes her
jacket, then pushes him backward on the bed.
She straddles him and purrs "Now I'm going to reveal a little secret 
from my friend Victoria . . ."

Scene:  Three hours later in the shower.

Claire:	"Well, now I believe the belly-rubbing story, but a jury
still won't."
Kenn:	"You knew that all along.  Isn't the best alibi to not need
one at all?  We need to nail my boss, and the sooner the better."
Claire:	"Nail him, that's exactly what I was thinking. I have an idea.
Let me call my sister, Jacq."

Headline, three days later:  "Insurance executive caught in S&M sex
scandal.  Video captures confession to murder."

Scene:	Adam's office.  Adam is lecturing Jack and Claire about 
getting their facts straight before filing charges.
Kenn sits quietly amused as the gruff old man tries to appear stern
while rubbing a dog's belly.
Adam: "Jack, this better not happen under your watch. This case cost
me an EADA, who resigned from guilt over almost sending an innocent man
to prison.  And you, young lady, better keep me advised before running off
and conducting your own investigations.  That's what we have detectives for."
Claire:	"Don't lecture me.  I saved you from an expensive lawsuit for 
wrongful prosecution. Besides, it was Briscoe who knew the bar my sister 
found the perp in.  And Curtis' experience as a high-school library media
assistant helped him to set up the video camera."
Adam: "Mr. Kong, I am truly sorry for this whole incident. I don't know what
I can do to make up for this."
Kenn: "I do.  Tell your new EADA to keeps his grubby paws off my fiance!"

Do you want more? Then tell Kenn to hurry it up!

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